I have a quick story to share…
It is a story about stories and the power of narrative.
When I was in grade twelve, my narrative was: “I am anxious… There is something wrong with me. I must stop this. It is not healthy to feel anxious.” I tried to will the pain in my chest and the sweaty palms away, but the harder I tried, the worse they became… The anxiety would stay with me for weeks on end, interfering with my ability to focus, until finally I would break down and cry. Somehow, in admitting my discomfort and fear, I remembered that it is human and OK to be scared. The anxiety never stayed away for long. Just thinking about the anxiety’s possible return was enough for it to rear its scary head. Ever heard of relaxation-induced panic? It’s a real thing. One moment of worrying about worrying would lead to two weeks of inexplicable blood rushing and heart pounding.
In university, I had an epiphany and made a new decision about the feeling that I was labelling “anxiety.” I decided: “This isn’t anxiety. This is restlessness! I feel it because I love life and I want to live it to the fullest. I feel it because I really really care! I want to remain forever alert so that I don’t miss a moment and never become complacent. These are helpful feelings. I can embrace them!”
So I did (mostly and not all the time). After graduating from university, I set out on a great inchoiry. I sang with 24 inclusive singing groups and volunteered with three farming communities. The goal was to explore how to create inclusive, resilient and sustainable communities. I started a blog and called myself the restless inchoirer. I was proud of this identity. All it took was a new perspective. A new decision. My nerves were slowly becoming my allies, my friends. Today, when anxiety comes up, it isn’t as troubling or long-lasting as it was in those earlier days. There are still moments when I resist the anxiety or wish that it didn’t come up so often, but I move into acceptance a lot more quickly than I used to. The feelings come, I move through the resistance, the feelings serve their purpose and they flow. Today, I am proud to say I am someone who lives with anxiety. In writing this, I am aware that it may be easier for me to accept and live with my anxiety than it is for others who have experienced complex trauma or who live bodies that have a harder time finding balance. I feel sad to think that my words may be alienating or belittling to you. Still, I maintain that, based on my own lived experience, there is power in choosing our narratives and learning to embrace our feelings.
There is more to my story that I would like to share. While travelling, I noticed that I was waking up every morning with heaviness, sadness in my heart. With the help of people I met along the way, I discovered that this sadness was connected to other stories of my mind…. “I am not doing enough. I am failing. I am a failure. I am not OK.” Fortunately, my community of support was loving and oh so wise! They noticed the sadness and asked me if there was a story I wanted to share… they presented me with the opportunity to write a new one. How empowering! I seized the opportunity! In front of a group of loving people, I declared: “My old story is that I am a failure. My new story is that I am Sunshine.”
I have been rewriting and elaborating upon this story ever since. I replaced “I am not OK” with “I am fiercely OK” and “I am not enough” with “my value is non-negotiable.” I have learned that there are many shades of sunshine and there are many shades of Fiercely OK. I am learning to see the beauty in all of them.
Some may refer to Fierce OKness as inner strength or wisdom. I am learning to speak of Fierce OKness as the powerful life force that exists in all living beings and drives us toward the satisfaction of our deepest needs, longings and desires. The important thing that I have learned is that my Fierce OKness never leaves me, no matter how I look, think or feel. It is experienced by all people in my life in the same way, no matter what. I could be Fiercely OK AND sad. I could be Fiercely OK AND experiencing the most heart-wrenching heartbreak. I could be Fiercely OK AND living with a mental illness. I could be Fiercely OK AND acting in ways that harm others. I could be Fiercely OK AND dead. The Fiercely OK story is not one that I am connected to at all times, and it is not one that always appears to be true on the surface. The important thing for me is that I keep coming back to it, because I am much more powerful, loving and effective when I choose to believe that I am Fiercely OK. Can you think of a situation in which it would be helpful to believe that you are anything other than OK? I can’t. There is beauty and opportunity in all situations. There is beauty, wisdom and power in all feelings.
The sun paints masterpieces as it crosses the sky. Colours change, yet it never ceases to dazzle the eye. The same is true of Fiercely You. You’ve got nothing to prove, you’ve got nothing to lose.
Sticking with my new stories has not been easy… In the beginning, I saw much more failure in me than Sunshine… But, practice makes perfect and I am practising every day. I have begun to see my Sunshine in the way that people look at me. I am beginning to see it consistently in the mirror. I present the Fiercely OK mantra with the hope that it will help all of us overcome outdated, unhelpful stories.
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This was a story about stories. We are weaving and absorbing them all the time. They control us until we become aware of them… We can choose which ones we believe. Let us collectively choose to believe that we are…
FIERCELY OK!
Lots of love,
Steph & the Fiercely OK Family