Self-Compassion Song

Part 1:

I am struggling now
And I’m not alone
May I be kind to myself

Part 2:

Be your best friend
Hold your heart
Hold your heart, hold your heart with care

Part 3:

Don’t trust your thoughts
Or your feelings
All the time

Part 4:

I’m not good enough / I am good enough
There’s something wrong with me / There’s nothing wrong with me
I don’t belong here / I belong here
WHY do I try? / THAT’s why I try!

THANKS!

To Paul Barton for his musical, vocal and technical contributions to the production of this recording.

To Maddy Bondy for being a voice of self-compassion in my life and on this track.

To my Daddio, Robert Drouin, for courageously contributing his voice! I will cherish the time we spent together working on this.

To Stephanie Cullen-Conroy for her steady presence and support throughout the creation and recording of this song in our shared home.

And, also, to Dr. Neff and Brené Brown for sharing their compassionate wisdom with the world.

In the Fall of 2020, right in the midst of the COVID-19 lockdowns, Fiercely OK held a 12-week online song circle series entitled An Exploration In Wholeheartedness. Loosely following Brené Brown's 10 guideposts to wholehearted living, we explored themes of Authenticity, Self-Compassion, Resilient Spirit, Gratitude & Joy, Intuition & Trusting Faith, Creativity, Play & Rest, Calm & Stillness, Meaningful Work, and finally, Laughter, Song & Dance. The Self-Compassion Song was inspired by (you guessed it!) Guidepost #2: Cultivating Self-Compassion. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown introduces Dr. Kristin Neff as a leading expert in the field of self-compassion and summarizes her three elements of self-compassion as follows:

Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.

Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience - something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.

~ Brené Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection (p.60)

The Self-Compassion Song unfolded from my experience of digesting these concepts. Part 1, which came to me as I was riding my bike on a particularly challenging day, includes my interpretation of Dr. Neff’s "Self-Compassion Break." Each phrase of the part corresponds with a different element of self-compassion: "I am struggling now (mindfulness) and I’m not alone (common humanity). May I be kind to myself (self-kindness)."

Part 2 is an extension of self-kindness, inspired by Dr. Neff’s "How would you treat a friend?" exercise: “Be your best friend. Hold your heart, hold your heart, hold your heart with care.” Part 3 comes from my personal experience with highs and lows, as well as lessons learned from The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Don’t trust your thoughts or your feelings all the time.” The words echo Dr. Neff’s encouragement to not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings. The part is meant to be somewhat silly, helping us create distance from our thoughts and feelings, which we often interpret to mean "disconnect and stay small", when really what we need to do is to gather our resources and MOVE THROUGH THE DISCOMFORT TOWARD CONNECTION.

Part 4 was the final part to come through and gives voice to the Self-Critic. I was inspired by Dr. Steven C. Hayes' Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which offers many techniques for defusing from our thoughts, like singing them repeatedly OUT LOUD. I was working on the song on a drive one day when it occurred to me that the Self-Critic needed a voice in the song. As much as we would like to deny its existence, the Self-Critic is an important character in all of us - it helps keep us safe and does its best to drive us toward belonging. It took me a while to find the self-critical phrases that I thought would resonate with the greatest number of people and also inspire lightness and playfulness, but FINALLY, I landed on: "I’m not good enough. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t belong here. WHY do I try?" By including the Self-Critic in the song, I hope to encourage folks to develop a mindful awareness of, distance from, and maybe even a fondness for their inner critics. This part is meant to be exaggerated. The more we repeat the words, the more we realize how ridiculous they are. The voice of the Self-Critic is just another voice. WE get to choose when we take it seriously. I like to imagine that this part will be sung by a large group of people against Part 2 of the song as a sort of duel. Can we hold both kindness toward ourselves and judgement? Here we have one of the greatest human challenges!

For the grand finale, you are invited to drown out the Self-Critic with declarations of self-love: "I am good enough. There’s nothing wrong with me. I belong here. THAT’s why I try!"

I hope that this song will help you move through your moments of struggle with less resistance and more laughter.

With care and courage,
Steph